Boy or girl? It seems to be so simple and obvious to answer it. It is just to identify myself with one of the two genders. Right? Well, obviously I am a Girl.
Oh, poor little naive girl!
Now I have to play with Barbie, wear pink dresses, make myself lovely hairstyles and be sweet and gentle, and so on. Once I define myself the society starts to expect things from me – obvious one, of course. Just to act like a girl and do girly stuffs.
Yes, it already sounds a bit like a Freak show.
I have no idea how small I was, but I had not learned the names of the colours yet. And this short conversation is one of my earliest memories:
My mother and I walking:
- Mom, what was my favourite colour?
- How should I know your favourite colour?
- Oh, come on! You know it, it is the colour of the sky.
- What, blue?
- Yes! Yes, it is BLUE! (It was difficult to remember the word and this was not one-time conversation.)
Years later I had an argument with my parents about that I do not want my room painted with pink dots. And I did not understand back then why they got so frustrated about me not enjoying pink colour, but blue. It took me a few more years to learn that when you have a boy you ‘have to’ paint his room in blue and when you have a girl – in pink.
And I am obviously a girl, remember?
Then it was my first Christmas at the Nursery school, I must had been about 4 years old. I had to tell the teacher what I want from Santa Claus so she can write a letter for me (or more accurately, to give this wanted presents list to the parents).
And I wanted a TIP LORRY, yes – a big tip lorry so I can sit on and ride it.
Surprisingly, I get it!
(I guess it was hard to convince a little girl that Santa does not make this.) And I was more than happy – my present was bigger than me and I was not able to lift it myself but it was all I wanted.
The rest of the girls received dolls. And their dolls looked the same and I (the tip lorry owner) wondered how all of the girls wanted the same toy and how one can be satisfied with a doll… just a doll (again, I had a tip lorry which seemed to be much more fun). I also use to play with teddy bears as a child but never liked dolls – they were so boring and they were loosing arms and legs all the time.
And it is confusing to be expected to like certain things based on your gender. I already claimed that I cannot pack myself in ‘obvious’ expectations. When I graduated from High school my dad wanted to buy me a dress, a beautiful one so I could feel special. And at that time I was saving money for driving lessons.
We had this talk why he is willing to spend a huge amount of money for a fancy dress I will wear one night only when with the same amount of money, I can pay for my driving lessons (which will be more valuable skill for the rest of my life) and buy a casual dress. All I want to tell is that I did not win.
So yes, I am a girl obviously…
A girl who cut her own hair, because for me hairstylist’s and manicurist’s experiences are like dentist’ experience – scary, plus that I am usually not happy with the result. Also I do not imagine I am a princess and I do not dream about big white wedding. And when I had my first tattoo, some people said to me: ‘What a shame! Only prisoners have tattoos.’
Not so girly, right?
‘It’s a GIRL!’ they said when I was born. Okay, that is fine for me.
‘It was a REBEL’ they may consider to write down on my gravestone. Because I do not thing to knock my life under labelling, stereotypes and social myths.